Now, I know it’s been a long time since I posted, and that’s mainly because Bub and I have been too busy doing for me to be posting. I’ve barely had a free second in the last month…either that or our AC has been out and I haven’t felt like talking about it because it got me more heated to discuss it. But that’s all fixed now and something else has moved me to blog this week. If you’re not in for something a bit heavy, you might want to stop reading now…in my head I sort of know where this post is going, but there’s no telling once I start how it will morph.
A couple things compiled got this post going in my head and made me a bit restless, so here it is.
My dad’s birthday was Tuesday. I didn’t think about it ON Tuesday, but it hit me on Wednesday that the day before was his birthday and that it hadn’t hit me then. Then it hit me just how long it’s been…so long, in fact, that I don’t actually know how long it’s been. I measure the turmoil in that relationship by big events so I know…well, that event happened around this day that year and then a few more things happened after that, or before, I can’t remember and that lead to this which I think was the last time we talked….or something of the like.
Most of you know that we’re estranged and don’t speak, and I’m, mostly, ok with that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my life and my sense of self-worth are better when I’m not dealing with all the issues that surround that situation. By “not dealing with,” I mean putting it out of my mind as best I can and trying to live my life being thankful for what I do have (like an incredible mother and sister and family). So there’s that.
Then also this month, I’m helping with sorority recruitment and that brings back a whole swell of memories of what starting college was like and how I experienced recruitment each year. I’m experiencing that on a whole new level now as I train to be an actual advisor next year, but I’m also brought back, especially these couple days as my girls prepare for Preference, to the day I found out one of my dearest college friends had passed away. I’ve been wearing my memory bracelet this week as a reminder to “Live Like Nate” because he always told me to live above my problems to be thankful I had people to help me through them and that I was a great person in spite of, or despite, or because of, what I’d been through. So there’s that, too.
And I’m just completely taken aback sometimes at how lucky I am to be married to the man I am. He’s supportive and honest and loving and thoughtful and funny and driven and handsome as all get out. So there’s that, too.
Then there’s our friends and how just truly lucky we are to be so loved. I felt it at our wedding and during all the events leading up to it, but I sort of expected it to pass–all the love and support people showed exuberantly for the hubs and me–but it hasn’t. We are still being loved and lifted up on a daily basis.
We had lunch with our dear friends Matt and Lita the other day (and Beeler too) and I was so thrilled they brought Eli with them. The funny thing here is that Eli was born right around the time the hubs and I were seriously on the same plane about taking our relationship from platonic to romantic. Everyone knows I was a bit behind on the idea, but when I got there was about the time Eli came into this world. So when I look at him I see a physical representation of our relationship, like if our relationship was a person it would Eli’s age (and maybe his personalty, too).
I remember the first time I held Eli (Leet, I hope you’re reading this) because he was so little and Bubba was so freaked out by it, but I just looked into those pretty baby eyes and knew that me and this kid I only knew five minutes who belonged to two of my would be dearest friends would have a special bond forever. So anyway, we were sitting at lunch with them and Eli and he was sitting across from me and talking and eating and every time I got up he ran after me and then he crawled into my lap and we laughed and played right there at the restaurant table and in that moment I just loved him so much. And was so proud of my two friends for being such great parents who support their growing son in every way and surround him with people who love him and can teach him things and want him to grow.
Now…here’s where it gets a bit heavy (or heavier)…
Having lived more of my life now without a father than with one, it isn’t lost on my how important strong male figures in my life have been. I’ve been very lucky to have men come into my life who support me and love me and lift me up in all the ways a father should. Of course my Pop was the first, and growing up Judge Don and Paul S. and Paul G. and Jim and Ray and Sal and Keith and my uncles (blood and not) and cousins (blood and not) and many other men (named and not named) like Jerry and Dwight and now Eddie are all there to do those dad-ly things with and for me.
So, I guess right now, since one of these men who means so much to me is going through a rough time , I just wanted to say thanks to these guys. Thanks for everything. These men love me and their own children and grandchildren unconditionally. They always show up. Always. I call them for advice, personal, mechanical, medical, automotive, professional, etc. And even though I’m not technically theirs, they respond as if I am and I feel like I am. And it feels so good to be a loved child of so many fathers.
So, this post wasn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feeling or leave anyone out, I just wanted to put these good words out there in the world so that the men I love would know it because sometimes I get too busy to say it (or blog about it) and I just want to say thanks, so much.
I apologize if this wasn’t what you were looking for when you clicked on this post, but sometimes you just need to be able to say something nice about the people you love.